Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
