I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
