It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
