i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
