just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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