so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
