WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
