i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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