I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
