3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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