i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
