Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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