You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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