My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
if only i could text you this smell
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
