booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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