Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
only if we run a train.
done.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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