I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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