Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
