Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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