I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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