i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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