Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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