you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
