Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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