Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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