Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
