I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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