I accidentally had phone sex last night
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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