why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
