Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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