Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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