you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
