I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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