Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
tell me about the eggs
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
