Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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