dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
