I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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