I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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