I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize