I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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