I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
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