a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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