I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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