THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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