sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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