Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
