Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
