What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
