they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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