You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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